dancing through life..

world of kai

love is in the air =)
i always have this weird habit, well since im a music lover, i think only those music lovers like me can only say that its not weird hehe.. since ever, hehe, i have this habit of finding a song for almost everything in my life. so apparently, i have this so called_wedding song.. everytime im listening to this song, i see the person that i love, seeing 'him' and ofcourse myself in a wedding dress whatsoever.. heres the thing, if i wanna know whos the one i love, i just listen to this song and i think about the only person thats in my heart.. whenever the picture is fading away or getting blurred for some reasons, like i see a glimpse of someone else in the picture, it means that im getting over the old one or im falling out of someone.. it really amazes me that this song tells me whos the one.. hehe.. ;p i hear this song almost all the time, when im confused, when im happy or sad.. when i love someone and when i hear this song, all i think about is me and him.. =) its funny i know, but it does makes sense to me.. i mean its all that matter, isnt it?;)

Today, i see new picture.. =) im happy and thankful to God for being so kind, and to 'him' for understanding and loving me for who i am.. i love you baby!

oh and by the way, its Raymon Patdu, the new person in the picture. =) and i hope it stays this way come what may.. :o)

HAPPINESS. big one. such a big word. nothing in this world and no one can make someone happy just by its presence. you feel it deep within and by yourself if youre happy or not. the moment that you try to close your eyes before you sleep, you tend to think of a lot of things and thats the time you will know if you are happy or not. if you had a nice day or what. you feel it. if youre calm and somehow smiling before you finally go to sleep, then you are happy. =) whenever im happy, its so easy for me to sleep and on the otherhand, it seems like i have insomnia. ;)

you feel happy for yourself or for other people, and sometimes you are happy for them even if they are happy with the things you hate the most. seeing them happy makes you happy as well. its a human nature. and yes it sucks sometimes.

when it comes to relationships, its very easy to be happy. love your partner and dont forget to give love to yourself and everything else will follow. most of the time, relationships dont last but if you really made each other happy and suddenly broken up, after the hurt has gone away, the only thing that you will feel for that person is LOVE. once you loved someone, you will never stop loving that person. yes the relationship is gone but the care and the companionship will never end. actually, it will be better. because you understand each other quite vividly. its nice to know that someone understands your acts before you even explain why you did it =)

today, i am happy and there are so many reasons in my heart. maybe because its way past my bedtime ;) tomorrow, i maybe not, but its alright. because the day after, i will be happy again, and it will reflect through my eyes.

test of friendship
It is when you fought many many times but still forgives each other.
It is when you fell in love with your friend's ex and still be close friends afterward.
It is when you don't see each other for years and when you see each other, it feels like you just hanged out with him/her yesterday.
It is when you're feeling heavy, and all you think about is to talk to your friend as you know you'll surely feel better even if your friend's advice will not make your problem disappear.
It it when you you treat your friend, a family member.
It is when you're away, don't give news, your friend is still swearing at you every now and then for not giving news as they miss you even though it seems that you don't really.
It is when you cry, they cry with you.
It is when your friend knows what you're thinking, what you want and what you don't.
It is when you need something and not telling anything at all and your friend will give you that surprisingly.
It is when you forgot the lyrics of your favorite song and your friend continues it for you.
It is when you're in love with your friend and he's/she's in love with somebody else, you keep your silence although you know that your friend knows that you love him/her and letting your love just die because you love your friend more than yourself.
It is when you gone bad and your friend is still there, being honest with you about your bad attitude, and swearing at you to change it.
It is when you said mean things to your friend in front of many people and your friend is trying to understand your thoughts why'd you say that. and forgives you after you talked and explained everything.
It is when you're sleeping with your friends and one of your friend is tired and wanna sleep already, that friend can't sleep because of your loudness but not saying anything.
It is when your friend knows where to find you and knows where your secret hiding place is.
It is when you speak a language that nobody else can understand and your friend answers you with the same language.
It is when people cannot invite you without him/her.
It is when his/her hug make you so powerful that you can cross over everything.
It is when you don't need to call him/her to know and express yourself, just by feeling is enough.
It is when your friend is going to bring you to the place you always wanted to see even if your friend had been there many times.
It is when you lost your job and your friend is crazy looking for a job for you without with asking help.

It is when you felt that your friend really missed you and makes him/her really lonely.
It is when your friend is your 'partner in crime' because there is something between the both of you that makes you simply who we are. Something that make us complementary, dependent of each other and that at the same time makes us completely independent.
it is when you ask your friend to give ideas about your blog your friend will give you good ones, even the ones that you know but you've forgotten.

I wrote this because i want to remember all my friends, the friends from my childhood, classmates, co-singers, co-officers and free-lancer ones. I wanted to thank them and i feel sorry because i know most of the time i am not there for them. I want to say that i still remember everything and that i love each one of them. And I'm sorry for my short-comings because i promise to be there always by heart but i weren't. I'm selfish. I always think about myself and my world. And the only way i know to keep my promise is to write it. So i can keep my promise.

Mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat!

My favorite place in Sydney
This is a wharf at the back of crazy world of the city, which is Darling Harbour. Darling Harbour is very popular because of its cafes, bars, restaurants and parties. If you are a traveler, it is a big no-no that you will not visit the place. If you want party, go to Darling Harbour and have the time of your life! And if you want to have a peaceful moment, I recommend this wharf.

Behind the loudness of the people in the city who wants to atleast have fun after their long day’s work, there is this place that you can actually think things over, sit back and relax. While you are sitting there barefooted, feeling the air rushing through your face, you will see the serenity of the water and the buildings of Sydney CBD while hearing the sound of small waves against the wharf. It is perfect if you will bring some food with you or just drinks. I’m amazed because for me this is the only place in the city that is really quiet and not crowded. It is like isolated from the city. I don’t know if people actually know this spot because whenever I’m going there, there are just few people around and sometimes none at all. Ok maybe because of the time that I’m going there. ;) Or maybe they know it but they just don’t want to stay there for a long time because come on Star City is just beside it and there’s many other places to go to in Sydney than to stay a wharf. Hehe..

I discovered this place because of my friend’s friend. LOL He said, “I never knew there’s a place like that in the city. If only I knew I’d go there all the time. I bet if you’re going to bring a girl there, she will fall in love with you.”

As soon as I have heard about this place and actually saw it in the map, I thought of only one person, Pauline, my flatmate who has ‘science fiction’ that time. I told her the news as soon as I got home and ask our other flatmate Nico to show her the place in the map, and said “this is the perfect place for their next date.” ;)

Now, Pauline and her boyfriend are living in together in Australia. By the end of the year, Pauline will go back to her home country and what they are going to do afterwards is still a puzzle but the thing is, they fell in love. Maybe my friend’s friend (which is also my friend by the way lol) is right. As for me, I’m afraid so, too. =) It is more than a wharf for me..

Next big things
Since I’m bored and been thinking a lot these days, I came up of the things I ‘want’ to do for the next 5 years. LOL

- finish my Masters for less than two years (brain-smashing time..!)
- get any part-time job while studying (Oh no..)
- not to ask help from my mom (I hope! I hope! I hope!)
- get a second Permanent Residency from another country (which country?)
- travel every year (can I?)
- maximum vacation after studies (where?)
- after maximum vacation from somewhere in the world, I’ll find a stable job and be serious
- send gifts to my family back home, just gifts not money hihi.. I cannot afford it wahaha!! It’s hard to please them when it comes to that. (f!)
- get married by the time I’m 25+ yo. Ok or maybe less.. Hihihi! 

Ofcourse, there will be things that will come along the way and wreck up my goals (I mean wants) for the next five years of my life but I’ll try to make it sure that I’ll accomplish all these and I know its not going to be easy but I will do it! Whatever it takes, I’ll do it!

FOR NOW, I’ll eat and sleep for awhile. LOOL

My unplanned life's journey
When I was doing my uni in the Philippines, I have planned everything. And everything seems to fall into right places. I didn’t know that it is so heart-breaking when you’re only one step closer to your dreams, then suddenly; you lose everything like you never did your best at all. Sometimes in life you have to lose. Even if you already moved the mountains, still you have to move some more to reach it. It’s still a long road out there. Maybe one of the reasons why it that, maybe, just maybe, you forgot where you came from, your real reasons and how you started in the first place.

Before, I have reasons why I came down to Australia. Now, I don’t know why I’m in the Philippines and why I want to leave the country as soon as possible. It is hard to live alone but I loved it. The whole so called ‘independence’ thing that I did.

When I was in the airplane going back to my beloved Phils, I was crying because I don’t want to go back. I was not prepared. Especially when I was watching Slumpdog Millionaire in the plane. I remembered my life in Sydney. I remembered my friends, I remembered Nico.

In the NAIA (airport), surprisingly, I missed my family. I got so excited my heartbeat was so fast like a raging river, to see them for the first time after nine months. I thought I’m going to cry because we will hug and kiss each other, because of tears of joy, because we missed each other, because finally, I’m home. Again, surprisingly, I didn’t. There was no tear at all. I just smiled. =) I was happy. We all are. After few minutes that we are all together, we were laughing as if I didn’t left home. As if I never left them because of my selfishness, because I was thinking of my own good and own life’s satisfaction, with my unclear and inexperienced mind, just myself. My mom never knew why I left for Australia. Maybe someday I will tell her. I will. But for now, I will try to build my dreams again and let her be proud of me even if I’m just ‘kai-kai’, her baby girl who’s stupid with lots of things in this world. I wanted to tell her, she was right all along. About everything. And that I only realized that when I already had my bite. And that I’m not proud of what I did to her when I was still in Phils because I let my feelings burst out of nowhere that I cannot go back anymore and fix it. And the only way to make things right is to be alone for awhile, to find myself in a hard way and to know where to go from there.

People think that I’m strong because of all that I did in my life, but the truth is, I’m totally not, I got no choice that time that’s why I had to do all those. And now, I’m glad I didn’t. Because if I didn’t go to Australia, I will not know that I’m for Australia and the life there is what I’m looking for all my life.

Funny may it seems but, now, I miss the times that I’m walking all alone in the street of Canterbury going to the Church by myself, carrying a lot of things like school and work stuffs. Although it will take me one hour to get there. Catching the bus/train and walking ever. I miss the times that I’m walking in CBD with my friends, most of the time to grab some food and sometimes just for the sake of WALKING. ;) I miss the bridge, when Nico, Denis and I were taking pictures with strangers and had so much fun. I miss the same bridge when it was Camille’s first birthday in Sydney and we passed through the bridge to Luna Park with our new found friends. That time, we appreciated the beauty of the city, even though it was hard to live there because lots of time we were f* broke. ;p and I’m telling you, it was a tough life.

I miss the times that I have to wake up really early for work to catch the first bus, waiting in the coffee shop for an hour because the shopping centre where I worked will open an hour after I got there. I miss my filo families in Australia when I have no moolah and no budget for my necessities, they’ve supported my need in all the ways they could. How they treated me their own. A family member. I miss my co-workers, the opposition in our workplace haha. Although we are have different nationalities, they became my really good friends through thick and thin. Because when I got fired in my job, they are there by my side, till now. =) I miss my relatives there that I just found out when I got there ;p I had no time to visit them but when I need them, they are always with me, by heart.

When I moved back to CBD, I lived in a flat with 17 flatmates. And it was a hell of a fun. I met a lot of people with different personalities. I miss the times that I’m hungry and theres lots of food in the common table for ‘everyone’ and when I will get my own food in the fridge, it was gone. Everyone is taking my food and I don’t know why. It was annoying but funny at the same time. There I realized that things are different when you actually live with strangers and soon enough they’re going to be your dear friends. When you live with strangers, there’s no way people will pretend so other people will love them because the fact still remains that everyone will leave sooner or later so no point of pretending. There are many things happened in 16th level of that building that I will cherish all my life. =)

There, I met puzzies.. who showed me the allure of life itself. That life’s unfair and fun. That in life, nothing is permanent. That in our lives, we will across adversity but still finds joy in everything that we’re doing. That we have to face life’s misery and happiness. That everyone is born free and has to make the best out of it while its still there. I’ve learned how to smile and love without asking anything in return. I have learned that love is never selfish, it is never jealous and I have learned to accept things and still smile while I have my eyes closed just to feel calmness within while experiencing life’s unfairness, so I can go on, on what’s left of me.

I regretted the times that I had no time for everyone. And did the things that I should’ve been done. I will remember my first nine months in Australia all my life. I cannot explain the feeling in my heart but it will stay here forever that’s for sure. I may or not go back to Australia, life’s a puzzle, and we never know what will happen next to our lives. One thing’s for sure, I consider Australia, also my home. Because it is where I stood up when I cannot no longer bear the hardships in life. It is where I realized how much I care and love my family. It is where I thought of a lot of things for myself, so I can live happily. And it is where the first time I got smashed by wooden of my faith and truth; when I struggled so much so I can get what my passion is contradictory to my beliefs and faith. It is where I got confused on what to wish for. The funny part is, it was the time when I realized that the line “Be careful on what you wish for…” in the song ‘Home’ by Daughtry, is true indeed.

In the finale of my short journey, I fell in love with a friend. Now, I can say that, letting go is an art. =) you have to work on it and give in. to let go of the thing that makes you happy is like looking in an abstract picture. You see many things on it. You do not know where to start. And you do not know when will be the ending of your endless desire. And your happiness is to see your loved-one happy at any cost, with or without you. To know that in life one moment you’re happy, next thing you know is that you’re not anymore. And then the next scene is that you’re happy again, and then you’re not again. Everything is a cycle, you learned and you become stronger every once in a while. So there’s no lose. It is pure pain and pure happiness.
But when you look at the picture as a whole, it is modestly beautiful. You cannot imagine how it was formed. It was amazingly formed by love and inspiration.

Now, everyday of my life here in Phils there will be a time that I’m having like a suspicious look in everything that I see. I’m wondering why I’m here. And how I miss my life in Australia. When I come back to Australia, I know it will be different from what I left it. I might see different Australia, but I will be happy because God is with me in all my walks in life. When I’m up there, He’s beside me, when I’m crawling down, He’s there lifting me up. And when the times that I’m in the floor and cannot move anymore, he’s already carrying me so I could continue. I am blessed by Him. And I am thankful, definitely. And that’s the reason why I will serve Him all my life. Because not everyone is blessed with His grace and experiencing His love. Now, I lose. But I’m not worrying with what gonna be next because I’m serving God, he never left me and I know he will never abandon me like people did. When I’m alone, He’s my parent, my friend and my partner. He’s the only one in this world that is permanently in my life. So how could I ever desert Him. 

taking risks
my big brother wants to stay in Phils (Manila),ok fine. i cannot do anything with that. my stepfather will go to US soon so my mom will be left with my baby brother in tarlac. I wanna be with my mom in Australia and my baby brother too. or maybe just my baby bro hehe.. kuya can take care of mama. hehe. i hope they will change their minds.

we adopted le'roi when he was 3 days old. her mother gave him to us and my mom get him out of the hospital. my bsby bro doesnt have a middle name because he's an adpoted child by a 'single' woman, thats the new law. and fuck it. so that means we have no choice but to tell him that he's not really our biological brother. we love our baby brother too much that we're crased that maybe his true faily will take him from us. if that happens, i think i will may not be a christian. his mom is always in my baby bro's eyes. even his 1st birthday party, she was there. and i hate it. its really obvious that she has a hidden agenda. maybe when my brother will grow up, his mom will brainwash him, and make him hate us. and that i cannot bear! i have to do something. i have to get him out of Phils atleast. i know the relationship and the connection of my baby bro and his true family will not end just because hes in australia. but atleast his mother cannot brainwash him and tell bad and untrue stuffs about our family just to get his sympathy.

now, he's 3 years old. and sometimes we cant help but to talk about him and his situation while hes there. i told to my big bother not to talk about this topic when hes around. coz our baby is not stupid, hes actually a genius one. im afraid that the word 'adopted'will stay in his mind and remember it. im afraid that when hes studying slready, his classmates will bully him and say adopted etc etc etc.. its obviuos his adopted because he doesnt have middle name, and middle names here in Phils are really necessary unlike in australia. people in AUs will not mind if hes adopted or not, hes not even from there in the first place. i dont want people to laugh about my brother because hes adopted and his brother and sister are way older than him. and plus his mom is a grandma for him. so i wanna bring him to australia when he's ready to study elementary =)

kuya wants him to be a minister, my mom wants him to be like her and i like him to be a doctor.. good luck to him!!!! hahaha! hes gopnna hear lotsa nagging when he grows up!! lloooll ;p plus, kuya is a bit strict! haha! oh my gosh poor kid! i promise to give him everything and support his decisions like my family did to me. i love my family. i love everyone of them. i hope we will have time for each other more than we used to. im happier now that i have extended family hehe.. with le'roi and my 10 other siblings hehe..

new me
hindi ako papayag na pagbalik ng sydney ganito pa din ako. magpapakatatag ako. sisimulan ko dito. I will train myself to be strong here so when i come back ther i will be prepared and stronger. my two bestfriends are gone now. for sure it will make a huge difference for me. i hope i will have working visa. with world crisis, i will still try. im happy with my lovedones here but i miss the two pain in my ass - pussies, and australia a lot. not good. like there was never a day i talked about aus here. lol. bad. i have so many plans now. even more that i used to have.

when everyone left you, your family will still be your family at the end, come what may
My application to waive my visa condition was refused. Im sorry po ma. I tried my best i have to go back home.

Ok lang, welcome back home. Everything happens for best.

Everything had been tough for me here, pero ok lang God is always just beside me. 'Welcome to Adult world', for me. Thank you po ma. For teaching me to do things on my own and believing in me when i try although im still young. Sorry po. I know I disappointed you. When i come back home i'll figure out what am i gonna do with my life. Im just thankful to God that youre my mother. And i could not ask for more because of that.

My pleasure. I have always tried to give you everything you and kuya which i missed. Actually i always imagine you being alone and cant help worrying. I just pray for your safety out there. You chose to be there and you made it. Your experience will make you grow. Let us follow God's will. Cote home as i miss my baby girl or lady na ba or grown up woman? This remains to be seen. Love you.

Ma can you send money please?



answers please
What am i gonna do after this?
What will i do in the Phils?
Will i work or study there?
Will i come back to Aus? When?
Is my moms gonna allow me to go back?
Am i gonna still study or work?
Am i gonna travel first before going back to AUs?
Am i gonna go to brazil or france?
Where am i gonna get the money?
What will i do in my last week in Aus?
Will i continue breaking the law?
When will i be happy?
When will i gonna accept the fact?
Working or studying in different country maybe?
What job? Accounting or exporting industry? and where?
what will i do with my life?
will i meet ver in the Phils?
will i see marcel again? ahhmustbesoon!!!
when will i ever forgive myself and ... ?
when will i see the sunrise again?
whos with me that time?
they say, when you go back home, everything is different, what will stay the same then?
good or bad?
how long will i stay in Phils?



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