- June 18th, 2009
When I was doing my uni in the Philippines, I have planned everything. And everything seems to fall into right places. I didn’t know that it is so heart-breaking when you’re only one step closer to your dreams, then suddenly; you lose everything like you never did your best at all. Sometimes in life you have to lose. Even if you already moved the mountains, still you have to move some more to reach it. It’s still a long road out there. Maybe one of the reasons why it that, maybe, just maybe, you forgot where you came from, your real reasons and how you started in the first place.
Before, I have reasons why I came down to Australia. Now, I don’t know why I’m in the Philippines and why I want to leave the country as soon as possible. It is hard to live alone but I loved it. The whole so called ‘independence’ thing that I did.
When I was in the airplane going back to my beloved Phils, I was crying because I don’t want to go back. I was not prepared. Especially when I was watching Slumpdog Millionaire in the plane. I remembered my life in Sydney. I remembered my friends, I remembered Nico.
In the NAIA (airport), surprisingly, I missed my family. I got so excited my heartbeat was so fast like a raging river, to see them for the first time after nine months. I thought I’m going to cry because we will hug and kiss each other, because of tears of joy, because we missed each other, because finally, I’m home. Again, surprisingly, I didn’t. There was no tear at all. I just smiled. =) I was happy. We all are. After few minutes that we are all together, we were laughing as if I didn’t left home. As if I never left them because of my selfishness, because I was thinking of my own good and own life’s satisfaction, with my unclear and inexperienced mind, just myself. My mom never knew why I left for Australia. Maybe someday I will tell her. I will. But for now, I will try to build my dreams again and let her be proud of me even if I’m just ‘kai-kai’, her baby girl who’s stupid with lots of things in this world. I wanted to tell her, she was right all along. About everything. And that I only realized that when I already had my bite. And that I’m not proud of what I did to her when I was still in Phils because I let my feelings burst out of nowhere that I cannot go back anymore and fix it. And the only way to make things right is to be alone for awhile, to find myself in a hard way and to know where to go from there.
People think that I’m strong because of all that I did in my life, but the truth is, I’m totally not, I got no choice that time that’s why I had to do all those. And now, I’m glad I didn’t. Because if I didn’t go to Australia, I will not know that I’m for Australia and the life there is what I’m looking for all my life.
Funny may it seems but, now, I miss the times that I’m walking all alone in the street of Canterbury going to the Church by myself, carrying a lot of things like school and work stuffs. Although it will take me one hour to get there. Catching the bus/train and walking ever. I miss the times that I’m walking in CBD with my friends, most of the time to grab some food and sometimes just for the sake of WALKING. ;) I miss the bridge, when Nico, Denis and I were taking pictures with strangers and had so much fun. I miss the same bridge when it was Camille’s first birthday in Sydney and we passed through the bridge to Luna Park with our new found friends. That time, we appreciated the beauty of the city, even though it was hard to live there because lots of time we were f* broke. ;p and I’m telling you, it was a tough life.
I miss the times that I have to wake up really early for work to catch the first bus, waiting in the coffee shop for an hour because the shopping centre where I worked will open an hour after I got there. I miss my filo families in Australia when I have no moolah and no budget for my necessities, they’ve supported my need in all the ways they could. How they treated me their own. A family member. I miss my co-workers, the opposition in our workplace haha. Although we are have different nationalities, they became my really good friends through thick and thin. Because when I got fired in my job, they are there by my side, till now. =) I miss my relatives there that I just found out when I got there ;p I had no time to visit them but when I need them, they are always with me, by heart.
When I moved back to CBD, I lived in a flat with 17 flatmates. And it was a hell of a fun. I met a lot of people with different personalities. I miss the times that I’m hungry and theres lots of food in the common table for ‘everyone’ and when I will get my own food in the fridge, it was gone. Everyone is taking my food and I don’t know why. It was annoying but funny at the same time. There I realized that things are different when you actually live with strangers and soon enough they’re going to be your dear friends. When you live with strangers, there’s no way people will pretend so other people will love them because the fact still remains that everyone will leave sooner or later so no point of pretending. There are many things happened in 16th level of that building that I will cherish all my life. =)
There, I met puzzies.. who showed me the allure of life itself. That life’s unfair and fun. That in life, nothing is permanent. That in our lives, we will across adversity but still finds joy in everything that we’re doing. That we have to face life’s misery and happiness. That everyone is born free and has to make the best out of it while its still there. I’ve learned how to smile and love without asking anything in return. I have learned that love is never selfish, it is never jealous and I have learned to accept things and still smile while I have my eyes closed just to feel calmness within while experiencing life’s unfairness, so I can go on, on what’s left of me.
I regretted the times that I had no time for everyone. And did the things that I should’ve been done. I will remember my first nine months in Australia all my life. I cannot explain the feeling in my heart but it will stay here forever that’s for sure. I may or not go back to Australia, life’s a puzzle, and we never know what will happen next to our lives. One thing’s for sure, I consider Australia, also my home. Because it is where I stood up when I cannot no longer bear the hardships in life. It is where I realized how much I care and love my family. It is where I thought of a lot of things for myself, so I can live happily. And it is where the first time I got smashed by wooden of my faith and truth; when I struggled so much so I can get what my passion is contradictory to my beliefs and faith. It is where I got confused on what to wish for. The funny part is, it was the time when I realized that the line “Be careful on what you wish for…” in the song ‘Home’ by Daughtry, is true indeed.
In the finale of my short journey, I fell in love with a friend. Now, I can say that, letting go is an art. =) you have to work on it and give in. to let go of the thing that makes you happy is like looking in an abstract picture. You see many things on it. You do not know where to start. And you do not know when will be the ending of your endless desire. And your happiness is to see your loved-one happy at any cost, with or without you. To know that in life one moment you’re happy, next thing you know is that you’re not anymore. And then the next scene is that you’re happy again, and then you’re not again. Everything is a cycle, you learned and you become stronger every once in a while. So there’s no lose. It is pure pain and pure happiness.
But when you look at the picture as a whole, it is modestly beautiful. You cannot imagine how it was formed. It was amazingly formed by love and inspiration.
Now, everyday of my life here in Phils there will be a time that I’m having like a suspicious look in everything that I see. I’m wondering why I’m here. And how I miss my life in Australia. When I come back to Australia, I know it will be different from what I left it. I might see different Australia, but I will be happy because God is with me in all my walks in life. When I’m up there, He’s beside me, when I’m crawling down, He’s there lifting me up. And when the times that I’m in the floor and cannot move anymore, he’s already carrying me so I could continue. I am blessed by Him. And I am thankful, definitely. And that’s the reason why I will serve Him all my life. Because not everyone is blessed with His grace and experiencing His love. Now, I lose. But I’m not worrying with what gonna be next because I’m serving God, he never left me and I know he will never abandon me like people did. When I’m alone, He’s my parent, my friend and my partner. He’s the only one in this world that is permanently in my life. So how could I ever desert Him.