dancing through life..

world of kai

counting stars
I fell in love with a dream.

And now I'm awake.

I wanna sleep again.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

another one.
"Yours forever" - I have said that only once in my life.

I was alone inside the church (my home locale in Paniqui, Tarlac), writing a short note for the love of my life, Ver. It was year 2007, I told myself, this is the year where at last, I will be happy, because I was with Ver. I was very happy. And then after awhile, it all come to an end. Reasons I cannot explain years back. For the first time I fell in love, and for the first time I got hurt because of love. It took me years to forget, then out of the blue, I have decided to go to Sydney.

I was so hurt that I told myself I will never use the word 'forever' anymore. I never said forever to anyone since then. I don't believe in that word anymore when it comes to Love. Whenever someone tells me that, I just smile and say 'there's no such thing', and we can never tell the future, and we should not plan the future so we won't get hurt even more if it ended.

And then recently, a stranger told me the same phrase, exact words. Maybe coincidence, maybe just trying to be nice, maybe he's just saying that a lot, maybe something's there, maybe this time life is teaching me something that I forgot, maybe if there's a first there's a last, maybe I just got fooled by life for not saying those words to the ones I have loved, and I ended hearing it out from a stranger.

Honestly I got scared. What is happening? I need answers. What is happening to me? I'm scared :(

I hope someday I will say that phrase again. In the right time, place and person.

I wish..... :'(

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

honestly, what just happened??
Am I really feeling this? One day I woke up looking for someone and just saw myself smiling after seeing him opened his eyes, looked at me and smiled. 100kts?!

I can never guess what's tomorrow going to be, just know where I am now.

And the 'not so good ones' simply disappeared, I just stopped thinking and had the real peace of mind. Next thing I know, I am happy. :)

Guess I just gave in.

Its funny how you have to learn sometimes :)
I'm always complaining about how I have to learn things in the hard way unlike my brother, for me if I want something I always have to get it the hard way. He gets everything without efforts and myself, I have to experience tough life all the time, make tough decisions, cry heaps, and have to do it by myself.

All my life I've always wanted to live my brother's life, carefree, safe and just happy. For me, life is always a challenge.

My brother and I are best friends. :) I love him so much. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him as well. We never keep secrets from each other. I can't even count how many times I cried to him and him to me. I miss him more than my mom whenever I'm away. He's my partner in everything.

We really were having a hard time whenever I'm away. I'm always away.

Now I don't know if I'm happy or not.
I'm happy because finally I can move on and let go of my past that have been haunting me. I have learned how to face my fears without the help of anyone. For the second time around, I have learned to smile while having nothing and not getting what I want. And for that, I want to thank a stranger. A stranger who have chatted with me with all my nonsense in life in the beach waiting for the sunset, ate ice cream with me, had jogging with me in the rain, lend me towel, waited jeepney with me, had swim with me with waters ants and who's about to give me borris and norris. Thank you for the memories, I think I have enough now. And I'm sorry tum. And from the bottom of my heart, thank you. For showing me the real deal again. What were you suppose to feel when you love someone, and when you're falling in love. For letting know me that it’s okay if you don't have the life you want to have, because someday, somewhere, you'll be happy, you just have to tell your heart to be happy and you will be. I will miss you. I hope we'll meet again someday.

On the other hand, I caused pain to someone. Someone who knows everything about me. Someone whom became my shield for years. A good friend. Someone who never asked anything in return when the world turned its face against me. Someone who loved me and accepted me knowing he may never really have me. I'm so sorry. I tried my best. I thought when you're safe, you'll eventually be happy, sometimes we have to accept the truth that if misfortune happened to you, you cannot do anything about it but to accept, let go and move on. If you diverted it to something you thought would make everything “right”, you will end up not getting over everything at all. Sometimes there are no remedies. Just reasons why. And we should not think a lot of the reasons, just stay where you are and be a better person everyday. I hope someday you'll understand. I cannot thank you enough. Now I’m ready to face everything because of what we shared for the past two years.

For my payatot hero, I hope someday you'll find the woman worthy of your pure love and sweetness. I will surely miss everything and I will forever wear the ring. Thank you for everything. I know you will be happier with someone else.
And for my taba angel, I want you to know that I love you and I will keep you in my heart from a far, I will watch you fly because you deserve it. Truth is, I want to catch sunrise and sunset with you. I want to catch waves with you. And also waves of life. I want you to stay with me when it’s raining. And I want you to show me where the rainbow is again and again. I want to fly with you. I want to eat my share of banana split with you. I want to introduce you to my family and friends. I want to love you with all my heart. I want to get pissed with you in the traffic. I want to know what life with you is. I want to smoke and you getting mad with it. I want to see you smiling all the time. I want to see you fall down and stand up again, with me. I want to cook for you. I want to sing for you. I want to be happy with you. I want to see you happy with or without me. I want you to succeed in everything. I want you to play in the tram with my kids and call them mates. I want to be with you, you cannot imagine how happy I am when I’m with you. Hay. But I can't. I'm a member of Iglesia ni Cristo, and can't have relationship with non-members. There is no way unless you will truly try to open your heart and mind, and become a member as well. I can never force you, of all people, not you, to do something you don't want to do. My religion is my life and will forever be. I cannot choose between my life and someone/anything in this world. And this is the reason why I let Nico walked out of my life. I've hurt him too. He doesn't know God the way I do. He doesn’t know God at all. But now, we are still bestfriends. See, one way or another sometimes you have to do the right thing, well in this case, the better thing to do. So everyone will be happy or happier :) settle your thing with your ex. Give her happiness just like what you've given me. Let go tum. And you will see how life can be so perfect with imperfect things in it  You see, I told you I'm complicated hehe! Now where are the loops and spins? :) I'm the first girl you've met here and there is lots of girls way better than me. You'll be happy :) and I will happy when you are. I want you to remember me always. The silly girl from the beach :)

As for me, maybe now or tomorrow, I will be happy, maybe with someone. And with that someone, I will freely give my heart and love. Without reasons and without hurting. From all the things God have taught me. I will be a better person. I will use the memories to do everything on my own. Every time I will feel sad, I will remember the sacrifices, love, and incomparable friendship. Don't worry about me. Like some stranger have said, 'You'll be right!' :)

I've let it out, maybe now I can do my solo :)

I miss you kuya :'(

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

I want you to stay.

felt something weird.
Listened to 'Love of my life' by Brickman again and honestly, now, there's a new picture.

I don't know it just happened. That quick? How? One day on facebook, I broadcasted that I am so inlove, and after a week or two, next scene - blank. My life changed. Again. To be more particular. Just like that. Why? I don't know what is going on? One day I woke up and was feeling so alive! Just making conversations make me happy, some were silly but I am.

When I saw him outside the window of the airport trying to find me and was ringing me , I felt something different. Suddenly I wanted to be the person he knew for a very long time. This is crazy. I don't even know maybe he's a killer or something!

We've met but he will soon disappear. He doesn't need me. We're meant to meet each other but not to be together. Even the time frame was planned, just one week. I wish it was a year. Or two. Or maybe a decade. But yeah, everything happens for best of everyone. He's my mentor. :) I have learned things, things that I really need to know. We had some talks about some things, and when I see him laughing I can't help but smile. I don't know I'm just happy when he's happy. When I'm talking with him, I'm not worrying about anything. I just want to talk with him, that's it. Its been just a month now I guess, I don't know if I like him or love him or feeling comfortable with him as a friend, I don't know. All I know now is that whatever I'm feeling right now it has to stop. Or else I will go back to the old me, waiting, always waiting for someone/something. I think he was given to me to be like a 'test'. He was brought to me so I can figure out what went wrong and what is my real happiness.

I think I know now why I want a bear from him, because I don't want to forget him.

Ok when I thought about these things it was freaky, but now that I'm writing it its even more freakyy!! What is wrong with me honestly?!

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

can't run anymore, I'm tired.
Read some of my journals and man can I be more ashame of myself for years. Such a baby. Love controlled my life and happiness for so long and I never even noticed it? What am I really.

Few things I've realized this past month. I have to be happy by myself. Not that I want to be a loner but, I've realized that I am happy even if I'm alone or just by myself. I've always imagine my life would suck if I am alone (literally), but guess what, I was never alone! I have my loved-ones and friends who loves me as much. When I was in australia (by myself), I thought I'm unhappy because I'm alone, but why am I pulling everything just for me to go back? I loved my life there. So I guess I was happy, maybe I'm just feeling sad because as imperfect people can be, we are never contented, always looking for something that will make us happy. I didn't realize how happy I am back there until God lead me back home.

Aside from the silly fact that I don't want to be alone, all my life I've also thought that without a "boyfriend" my life would be miserable and lonely. I know. I'm so lucky to have ever felt that. I know I'm a genius. And yes its also true that my weakness is, apparently, LOVE. Falling in love so easily and falling out? Takes time. I mean really takes time. So I guess I have to face my fear now. Unless I want to skip reading a book halfway and get another one. This will never end. And it will just going to get worse and worse each time. I'm tired.

Now, I'm not really happy. Because I have done it again. Lucky me.

Posted via m.livejournal.com.

What future beholds
There are many regrets i think of each day. Everyday i wonder what went wrong to myself and my career. I have wasted a long time doing nothing. If only i can go back and re-do the past two years of my life!

I have always dreamt of coming back to Australia and settling there and with that i thought there is no reason for me to work here in the philippines. Its been two years now, and i am still here, waiting, planning, dreaming, in a few hundred square-metered house. Not to mention the over-eating and over-sleeping habit each day passes.

Now im trying to fix everything physically change myself and try to earn while im still waiting for my 'i guess' last visa application to australia. I want to go to gym almost everyday to get my stamina and strength back, go take the cresar course and constantly updating my application abroad.

I really hope i can get back on my feet and be successful someday! With or without the help of what filipino used to call 'backer'. At the end of the day, i believe that God made everything happened so i must not worry. :-)

Posted via LjBeetle

You make a decision, you liked it, next thing you know, its not meant for you.

Posted via LjBeetle

misfortunes lead to fortunes
i fell in love so deeply that i have almost forgotten how to breathe. it took me years to finally get to my senses. then someone rescued me by showing me how it feels like to be free, completely that even i couldn't help it. And so, i know now how to breathe even better than before, but i forgot who am i and made bad decisions and got me where i am right now. it was hard for me, i couldn't bear the pain, thinking that the one who saved me when i was down is not for me. And eventhough it was the happiest time in my life, coz i can say, i did it alone, and im very proud of it. it was the first time that i became completely independent. needing no one but myself.

when i arrived back to Phils, it was very hard for me to recover. i died. i dont want to be like the weak guy before, im stronger now as far as i know so i have to make choices and wise decisions. i chose to be happy in the quickest way i can possibly be. so i did it. at first it feels like i made everything much more complicated. its like im being unfair to the world and that includes me. i was smiling yet crying at the same damn time. i look at myself in the mirror and i was wasted. a rubbish actually.

suddenly, i can see myself smiling and as day passes by so fast, and the world smiles back. now, its almost two months and im happier everyday. the pain is deteriorating each day. and im hoping that the day will come that the pain will go to its natural death, just like when i have learned how to breathe again =)every minute i feel complete, not only because the pain is decreasing and not because of other people, but because i feel content. thats it. the thing that i have been looking for in the world all these years. i feel so blind and stupid that i didn't think that all i ever wanted in my life is just next door. its funny how things go all wrong and all of a sudden makes you so damn happy and everything feels so right its hard even to believe it.....

if i didnt experience all those, i would not hit the jackpot! hehe


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